My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
