I accidentally had phone sex last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
