The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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