I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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