Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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