i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
