u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
