I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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