i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
