i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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