That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
