Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
