Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize