she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize