My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
