The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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