Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize