ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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