im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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