when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
