From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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