We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize