So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
