can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
