he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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