After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You should frame my arrest warrant.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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