well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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