I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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