i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
