grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
