omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
two words...techno handjob
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
