I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize