So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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