If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
