Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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