eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
