my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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