I just saw a hot homeless man
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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