You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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