There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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