we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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