its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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