now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
