Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
