Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
