Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
