Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
