I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
