I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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