did you get engaged???
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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