I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
is that a dick in a sweater?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
