Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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