I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
