We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
