I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
