My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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