we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
