every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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