I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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